Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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