can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
