I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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