how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
