Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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