Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
