Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
