you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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