Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
