i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
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