Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
