Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
