They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
