Heybabeimwearingurpanties
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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