I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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