My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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