how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize