I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize