hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
