I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Swine flu. Run for my life!
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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