you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
