we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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