i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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