He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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