I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
