Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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