Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
