I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
