They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
