I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
