I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize