You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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