i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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