Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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