gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize