I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
