I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
