you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
