i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
