Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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