i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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