im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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