It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
