this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
