got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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