??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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