Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
