Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
