Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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