you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
do nipples grow back?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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