Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
