I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
