Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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