the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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