i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize